Post
Downer Mom
The very first thing that happened to me this morning, after a wonderful Christmas with family, is that I read a horrible, acerbic, vitriolic email from my mom. Under the pretense of not sending her a Christmas card, she said some really horrible things about me, even saying that I can’t keep friends or take direction professionally.
The back story is that she jumped in to pay my rent 12/1 in anticipation of me getting a roommate. Since then, it’s been downhill. Whenever I spoke w/ her, I could hear it in her voice. I didn’t ask her to help me, she offered. And yet, she sees that as a license to denigrate me in every way.
For the past few years, I’ve tried to get closer by sharing things with her about my personal and professional life. And that’s only because she complained that I’m so secretive. Huge mistake. She’s throwing things back at me. She’s being hurtful and mean spirited and I”ve spoken to her about that before.
Even if she is my mother, I wasn’t put on earth to be her whipping boy, I don’t care how much money she gives me.
Anyway, I wrote her back and told her that I”m not her husband and that if she wants to spew negativity to someone close to her, she needs to remarry. I also told her that I need a break from her. I told her that I’m dealing with enormous health issues and stress that she can’t seem to care about or understand. Right around the time I got a roommate and the money to repay her, I got really sick. She literally didn’t give a shit, only about the money I was supposed to deposit in her account.
I’m just done with her and anyone else, everyone else. Each day I wake up with the burden of enormous humiliation in every respect. From the look of my apartment (like a college kid), to health issues that never seem to be healed, to a lack of money, a lack of a serious relationship. And everyday I think about killing myself because I just don’t give a damn anymore.
But I don’t because I know my family will be very hurt and confused. And that’s really the only reason. I’m not attached to this life of mine, fuck it completely and thoroughly. I’ve endured enough pain for an entire village and I have nothing to look forward too.
Anyway, I’m done. My plan is to move to the West Coast and get a new phone number. I just need a fresh start. I need to be somewhat successful before I let people back in my life. I just feel too inadequate the way things are now - - very little money, always needing help, etc.
I just want to get away from EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
