Santiago's Alchemy

Had an extraordinary weekend in many ways.  And certainly in the sense of affairs of the heart.

Three temptations!  That’s a lot.  Some were more interesting than others.  Each and every one, an inappropriate relationship.  That’s ridiculous.  What are the odds of that happening?  Why am I attracting this?

I think it’s a trap to make me fall.  What was I served with?  Height, good looking, smart, well-traveled, fun, technologist.  Wow!  All the things I like, but in three different inappropriate men.

Whatever!  What can I say?  Where is an appropriate man?  Is that not the question?

On the bright side, I knew right away.  That’s good training.  I knew right away to be wary. And, how to deftly side-step.  I’m getting quite good at that.

I could be specific but it’s quite incriminating so never mind.  I can reveal something about the 3rd hooligan.  This is how I’m sure it went down, from his perspective:

“Hey, I’m in town tonight but won’t be back for quite some time.  I’d really like to see you.  I just want to see you.”

Now, last year, I probably would have returned his call.  But I’m a wiser woman this year so, nope.  No return phone call. I feel really good about this.

I mean, why call me at 10pm on  a Sunday.  WTF?  I mean, at least send me an email during daylight hours.

I heard today on BBC Radio that there are 10,000 Africans who live in Moscow who are terrified on a regular basis because of racist attacks against them.

I had no idea this was happening.  And I wanted so badly to go to Russia.  I wrote my friend an email telling him about it.  He said that he had no idea.  He’s coming here soon.

I am  hoping he’ll adopt me.  Hahaha, only half kidding.  That’s a wonderful idea.  Adults who need adopting.  I do!  I need an allowance to go along with it.  Hahahaha.

Ok, those were harsh words I wrote earlier.  I feel like God has softened up my heart substantially since that time.  Not that my opinion has changed, because it hasn’t, but in the sense that I have decided to say good-bye to some people at my job and show them the blog that I write about the Ethiopia trip.  Before, I was like, “I’m straight outtie.”  But, it’s all about the kids.  If it musters up support for them, then I’m cool with it.

I CANNOT WAIT to leave this job!  I am so happy that I took the step of serving my notice!

I can’t stand these vicious, undereducated bitches!  The only thing they’re good for is wearing pretty shoes.  I’ll give them that much.

Yep.  Gave notice yesterday.  My last day is either 9/15 or 9/30.

I knew it was coming… just didn’t know when.  I went outside for lunch and the sense of freedom that I felt was just overwhelming.  The thought of having to go back and sit down for 5 more hours, on a full stomach AND DO NOTHING (because yesterday was a slow day) was too much.

I felt such a sense of freedom and last night, started busting out some Zoori!  \o/

Finally heard back from my job about a leave of absence.  I was hoping for a paid leave of absence but I was told, with the economy being the way is it, that’s not an option.

They are willing to give me two additional weeks of vacation but I’m not sure if that would mean that I’d have to come right back.  That’s not helpful.  I mean, it would be helpful if I was strongly drawn to this job and I thought that two weeks would be enough in Ethiopia.

The guy trying to help me sort this out is a sweetheart.  He’s been so helpful.  I’m really lucky.

Not sure what will fly.  Having an unpaid leave of absence would be nice but I’m prepared to get nothing, not even the extra vacation time.

On another front, I put an ad in a church newsletter about the bedroom and someone contacted me about it.  I hope this works.

I’ve been sleeping on the couch for the past two weeks so I’m used to it.

There are some changes that I’d like to make, like getting dividing screens and a small cot so that the living room can be created into a bed room and still have a general sitting area.

We’ll see what happens.  Either way, my last day here is either 9/15 or 9/30.  Yay!  \o/

Yep.  She overlooked something else!  This is really petty but it’s good to keep her balanced because the truth is that I don’t trust her.  So the more mistakes she makes, the less the change that she’ll try to hang me.

I was just able to correct my manager on an issue!  I wouldn’t even care so much except lately, she’s been really scrutinizing every single thing. Even with this issue, she started the convo w/ “did you see my email.”  But I didn’t rub in the fact that she made a careless error.  That’s not me.  But I am glad that she can stop thinking that she’s so freakin’ smart and more important, stop trying to catch me.

I am going crazy!

I have to go back for a re-test for the medical test I took a few weeks ago.

And the guys that work near me are consistently LOUD AS HELL!

SCREW MY LIFE! - I totally missed an open call on 8/14!  Why?  Because the paper was buried under some stuff when I cleaned up for the roommate.  It sucks b/c it was free and easy, via email.  How fucking stupid!

So far I’ve entered 3 contests.  One at 3rd Ward, one at Shots magazine and one last night at Governor’s Island.

I’ve missed one and also missed the very first one but it was on the same day that I got my photos back for the first time.

I need exposure and I need to get my work out there. The photography is better than the illustration because it’s faster and people can understand it better.

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The same bullshit from last year here at work is starting again.  Can’t even be bothered to give details but for sure, 9/30 is going to be the last day I work here.  I am hoping that it’s 9/15.

Still waiting to hear back from HR but I will tell them that I need time to work on the project and that I can’t do it and work here at the same time.  So either way, I’m out.

I might wait only until the 30th so that I can buy my Lubitel camera and buy enough film to take with me.

I am really wanting to take a short one week trip before the Ethiopia thing.  With what money, who knows.

Just tired of needing roommates to fund my freakin’ life, tired of doing the 9-5 and WASTING PRECIOUS TIME.

The 9-5 thing is done for me.  Screw it.  What is going to happen to me?  Two things are immediate, I could starve and I could be homeless…

I have to get out of here.  I can’t stand it here any longer.  I thought my hours were from 9:30 - 6, which is what they were when I started, apparently, they’re from 9-6.

It’s unbearable.  Today I did nothing at all.  A complete waste when you consider how much stuff I  need to do for the Ethiopia project or even for myself.

What a waste for a pittance.

Not sure what’s happening with the apartment.  That’s really my ace in the hole to freedom.

All day long, I’ve just been talking to God about getting me out of here, in a good way.

Also, I just can’t stand the people here.  Sorry.  I mean, there are a few decent, mature people, but the majority are idiots.  Vindictive, rumor mongers.

It’s def not right to be late every day and yet, I feel like that was my intuitive response which allowed me to tolerate my job more.

Even that extra half hour, from 5:30-6, makes a big difference.  It meant more time at home.  And even though I like what I do.  Being here an extra .5 - 1 hours is hell.

My manager sent me an email about coming in late.  I knew this was going to happen.  It’s been ridiculous.

Now that I no longer have that horrid 2nd gig, I should be able to get here on time.  I’m just going to respond to her exactly that, plus add the fact that the VP suggested that I get a second gig to counter-balance this pittance of a salary.

I think someone is behind the inquiry. My nemesis.  Whatever, I just have to make sure that I dot all my i’s and cross all my t’s.

Yesterday was off the chain.  The temp was high and tempers flared.  I ended up screaming at the Superintendent cause he was trying to be slick and say that the “someone” on my floor complained about a bookcase in the stairwell to the roof.

At first I was trying to play it down and not say that it was me but then I started screaming that “F_ck yeah it was me!” and how idiotic it was to keep a freaking bookcase on the steps!  I am going to have to apologize for screaming.

It all started, first on the subway, which was hot and funky and this woman pissed me off trying to step over me to get out.  Then, I had a talk w/ mom about the wedding.  I was really upset and said some things that I normally do not say to her.  I’m just so tired of the same old attitude of her thinking that she’s not getting her fair share of attention.  It’s been the same for decades.

I need to butt out of the wedding stuff because the drama is building.

I found an $800 ticket to Addis Ababa.  How I long to purchase it and hand in my resignation.  I can’t describe how much I want to hand it in.

Still waiting to hear back from the job about a leave of absence.

The entire subletting the apt. thing is completely up in the air.  A friend came over last night to see it but I could tell that she took umbrage at the price.

It’s clear that the person would be paying for the neighborhood, not the crib.  But whatever.  I just released everything up to God.

Heh.  Wanting more than anything to take some days off.  I just need a rest.  I have 5 vaca days left for the year and 1 personal day.  These last couple of days, I’ve been using to family and events, not rest. 

This heat is killing me.  That, plus not exercising and not eating right…

Spoke to a friend about subletting from Oct through Dec.  I hope it works out.  Still waiting to hear back from my job about the type of leave of absence they’ll support.

Even if she takes the apt. in October and I end up quitting, I’ll have to stay until the middle of October at my job because I don’t want to give notice until I have cash in hand.

Plus, there’s the issue of plane tickets.  You can’t really buy plane tickets at the last moment and expect to get a good deal.  There is always stand-by but I’m not even sure how that works or even if they even have it anymore…

Looks like the freelance gig is over.  I could kick myself for not quitting when I felt like God was telling me to quit, a week or two ago.

I asked about taking pictures in the morning and he said that there was a going to be “shift.”  I was like, “what?”  to myself.  Then I asked him if he wanted me to stop doing anything/everything.  He said yes.

It’s great in a way because I can’t stand doing what I’m doing for them.  It’s so tedious and their website is open-source so there are major bugs in it.  Just today, I had to upload information 2 and 3 times for each item.

Plus, the other owner had been unresponsive to my emails.  I’ve requested that we meet to talk about the newsletter and blog twice.

It was to the point that I hated even walking by the store and got a sick feeling whenever I thought about doing this work.

The important thing to remind myself is that I never wanted to do what I’m doing.  “Help with the website,” turned out to be the majority of what I was doing.  I wanted to do more PR and marketing.

My lesson is that, if a role is changing, it’s important to document that change and also ask myself if I feel comfortable with that change.  I got caught up in their need for this assistance and my need for money.

My main thing is that I hope that they don’t feel weird about me.  If I had quit before, my plan was to give them a link to the Ethiopian work that I’m doing so that they could see a little more about me, my priorities and my time.  They tend to have this weird attitude that the workers are not doing what they’re supposed to be doing when in reality, it’s unorganized and difficult for anyone to do anything effectively.  At least, that’s been my experience.

I feel like the reason that I didn’t quit before was because I didn’t have faith in the voice that was leading me.  And then, the very next day, Sis called me about the roommate.

And even afterwards, I kept working, to the point that this week, I’m doing my hours today for last week.

But, it’s almost over.  A few more things to do and I’m throwing in the towel. I’m ecstatic!

I am just going to write an email saying something like I won’t do anything else on the site from this point forward (to protect myself from anything that happens using my log-in).  And that I’ll just pick up my two checks tomorrow.  I’ll have to say something else, not sure, but I want him to know that I won’t be working any more.

At this point, after years of grooming and refining my artistic skills and sensibilities, accumulating degrees and taking classes, and engaging in various crafts and arts, if I can’t feed myself and keep a roof over my head, I deserve to die from starvation writhing in some alley.

Went out tonight.  DIdn’t drink though.  That was superb!  No feeling sick.  I just feel like my body is already bugging out.  I don’t need liquor to throw it over the edge.

Tonight was awkward though.  More on that later. Turns out, it was a professional event with the hosts working the room.  I met some cute guys.  This one guy in particular.  I’m so jaded, I’m certain nothing will come of it.

It’s a shame that I don’t have a boyfriend.  I’m very open because of it.  Too open.  I’m open, compassionate and passionate.  SUPER DANGEROUS!  Maybe God will help me before it’s too late.  It’s just a matter of the right dude.  And by right, I mean “feels right.”  Yep, I’m that shallow right now.

I feel so much more relaxed since I told my second gig that I’ll need to cut my hours for August.  I hadn’t realized how pressured my life was because of that job!

Especially now that I have a roommate, I can breathe easier.

The two girls in Spain are being pains!  They keep wanting more and more pictures.  I think the best thing is for them to see it in person.  They told me that they’re looking in Brooklyn from craigslist.

Actually, I’m not even sure God wants me to sublet.  I thought I felt like the HS was telling me NOT to sublet or get roommates.  And yet, I have a roommate now and it’s fine.

Not sure what to do.  I feel like I need to wait until October…  However, a large part will be what happens at my job and the conversation that I had with HR.  That really is THE deciding factor.

This weekend was good.  Spent time w/ “Little I.” 

I’ve been dealing with serious PMB cramps.  They’re driving me crazy…and they last so long.

A sudden change of events.  Sis hooked me up w/ a roommate.  It may only be for the week.  It’s a girl she’s working with.  But because I was with “Little I,” I didn’t have a chance to get the apt. ready.  I have to rush home and do it.  The extra dough will be NICE :)

I contacted the guy from HR a few weeks ago- his exact title is:  Global HR Director, Talent and Innovation.  How lucky am I that we used to work on the same floor and are associates?  That’s God working!

He actually said to me one day a while ago that he thought I’d do great things one day.  That’s great to have someone believe in me who doesn’t even know much about me.

Anyway, he said that he’d check with the powers that be some time this week.  I had asked  him about sponsorship for Ethiopia. 

If it works, that’ll be great!  It’ll be interesting to see how it plays out.  If it doesn’t work, I’m outtie in a month…if the other roommates come through.  I want to pin them down somehow…

I can’t wait!  Either way, it’s a change.  Each day that I come to work at this position, my soul dies a little more.  It sounds like an exaggeration but it’s incapacitating.  I feel like a woman who’s 11 months pregnant, has lost the joy of the new child and just wants to be done with it.

I wrote a half-ass resignation letter.  It was really a “let me do this before you fire me” letter.  I just said that this month was going to be really hectic and I probably would only be able to do 1/2 my hours.  And I told them I wasn’t sure about September at all.

We’ll see what happens.

I almost quit the side gig.  I feel strongly that I am supposed to quit.  And yet, the truth is that I feel afraid.  September and October are notoriously difficult months for me.

Plus, what if I also quit my main job?  Now I’m thinking that maybe I should just tell them I’m planning to quit my day job in September and that will make it easier for me to pull my hours but that August is going to be hard.  And tell them about the Ethiopia project.

But the fact remains that I feel like I’m clutching onto this job and I shouldn’t.  It’s just that I remember when I didn’t have  this gig… and how hard it was.  Not trying to go back there. But isn’t that what faith is all about?  Trusting in God.  And yet, God doesn’t operate by trying to not let me feel uncomfortable.  That’s been proven.

My small mind can’t fathom a way out… except through pain…

Something really wonderful and strange happened yesterday.  I was brushing my teeth when all of a sudden, I get this impression about the specific route to take to work.  I take two trains so it was like, take the “V” not the “F” until such and such and then switch.  There are several combinations of ways I can get to work.

So I followed and voila!  I got to work super fast!  I feel like it was the Holy Spirit directing me!  I resolved myself to listen to the HS more closely and more often.

So yesterday, I asked about this health issue I’ve been experiencing.  It causes me to not be able to sleep and be really irritable, among other things.  This morning, I got this impression of a plant. I looked it up on the internet and voila!  It’s  health remedy for my ailment!  I’m going to the health food store today to get it.

I’m really psyched that God loves me enough to take the time to direct and to help me in this way!

It’s hard to “listen” because my mind wants a voice and there are other distractions.  However, I feel like, the more I practice, the better I’ll be at listening.

Praise God!

Maybe I should stop taking photos… The passion is starting to flicker. I got 2 more rolls developed of 100 speed using the telephoto 75 mm lens and only a couple are any good. More came out this time, than the last roll, which only had 1 of 16. This time, of 28, there were maybe 4.

I need to see them more closely when I get home but I love one of the pictures because of the subject matter and mood (2 kids sitting down) but it’s blurry!

What I really need to do is to see my results sooner. That way, while I’m still shooting that type of roll, I can make adjustments. For example, now, I’m using a new lens, 55 mm and 400 film. I already know that I made a bunch of mistakes because of the view finder and magnification lense. But without seeing the mistakes, I can’t correct.

I guess what I’m saying is that I need to take more pictures and get them developed faster! Alas, that takes money!

Today is typical so far:

Awake before 6.  Did some work on the Ethiopian project, did some work on the China project.  Did freelance work (today went to store to take pictures of items).  Get to work late.

I’m doing too much. I have a running conversation with God about that.  A change is coming, don’t know what yet…

To be fair, the China project is pretty much over.  Just tying up loose ends.  They haven’t responded on the request to get paid in the future.  Whatever.  Things are moving so fast in my life, it’s like, get on board or get lost.

The rest of the day looks like:  get film, do more freelance work, SQUEEZE in my own work.  There are a couple of photo contests that I want to enter.  I haven’t even had time to look into it further.

This weekend was all about:  Zoori, which is about Ethiopia project.  And then yesterday, went to support a friend’s 25th anniversary of her jewelry business.

Divining income from doing what I want to do, which helps others.